It began as an innocent kitchen experiment, a father spending time with his three daughters. We were at juice critical stage, with only smidgens of apple juice and grape juice left. Although relatively new to the juice run, my father knew that at our young ages, equality trumped individuality – we all had to have the same darn type of juice. In a moment of inspiration born of necessity, my father combined the two and produced, with a wave of his magic wand (wooden spoon): Grapple!
An early adopter even at this young age, my eldest sister stepped right up and pronounced grapple to be delicious. My middle sister, more tentative, beamed a surprised smile after the tasting. My father soon had them in fits of giggles, pretending to be a mad scientist concocting secret grapple potions in his laboratory.
When my turn came to sample the magical grapple, I froze.
I wanted to try the juice. I wanted even more to join in the fun. Grapple looked good; heck, it even smelled good. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to try even the smallest sip.
Sensing I was close to tears, but not sure why, my father ended the game with the promise of ping pong. My sisters soon forgot all about grapple.
But I didn’t.
Looking back, it seems that all of my childhood fears, shyness and hesitancy are represented by grapple. There were often times when I didn’t participate in a trip, event or party because something held me back. I almost always regretted not going, or trying the new adventure, but even armed with that insight, the same situation tended to play out.
When I got older, gained more confidence, and started to participate more fully, my life was always more enriched. Trips overseas, challenging ropes courses, even new jobs often possessed many hurdles and setbacks, but the gains were almost always worth it.
Now a mother, I see my son confront his own grapple. He so badly wants to play with the older kids in their advanced games but is shy, holding back, uncertain how to proceed. When he does get involved, he talks about these experiences for weeks – clearly they are memorable.
So it’s not just me who has a grapple; my son does too. What is your own personal grapple – what do you want to try or experience? What is stopping you for jumping in? Do you agree that we tend to regret the things that we don’t do rather than the things that we do?
Take a moment to write down what you want to try or experience. Then look at what is holding you back – and knock down those barriers.
Because grapple is delicious.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Purple Elephant in the Room
I never knew that a purple elephant could inspire such intense emotions.
I was meeting Elaine at the coffee shop to discuss business, but as a coach and friend, I could tell that she first needed to talk on a personal level. She was stirring sugar into her coffee and I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears, and not from the espresso machine. When I asked her what was wrong, she pointed at a flyer tacked onto the notice board. It featured a purple elephant and advertised baby music classes.
I wasn’t sure what the purple elephant had done to warrant such anger, so I guided Elaine to a table for a chat and the story came spilling out. I found out that the moms in Elaine’s neighbourhood had been raving about the Purple Elephant music classes for babies. They were all encouraging Elaine to join them and told her how much the babies loved it, with smiles and giggles and great new experiences. Plus, it apparently set the stage for great success in music further down the line.
“But I can’t afford it. Since I’ve decided not to go back to work full-time, and instead spend more time with both kids, we have to make some sacrifices. Purple Elephant costs almost $25 a class! But we did it for Joe, our eldest – but we had more money back then. I feel like Baby Avery is missing out on everything.”
Ahh. I saw it clearly now – the tsunami of mommy guilt about to crash over Elaine, filling her with self-doubt. I knew that many moms find themselves torn – go back to work and feel guilty about not spending more time with the kids. Stay home and worry about not being able to afford all of the lessons and experiences that other kids are receiving. I knew that Elaine had been beating herself up about her decision – and the Purple Elephant was just the icing on the cake (organic, and peanut-free, of course).
“Elaine, is Avery happy? What does she like to do?”
“Oh, she is such a happy baby. She smiles and laughs all the time. Her favourite thing in the world is her 3-year-old brother. She gives big belly laughs whenever she sees him. And he loves her. He always plays with her, sings her the cutest songs, and tells her stories. The three of us have such a great time together – I feel like a kid too.”
I knew it was time for the eureka moment. “Elaine, what Avery has is something no Purple Elephant could ever offer. She has an older brother that provides the best type of stimulation for her. He’s a music, gym, story and play-time class all rolled into one! And both of them have the one thing that most kids want more than anything – more time with their parents, sans Blackberry. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You need to enjoy the time you have together.”
Sure enough, I saw the anger and sadness fade away from her face, to be replaced by one of my favourites – hope. Guilt is a nasty feeling, but there are ways to either combat it to make it work for you:
• The next time you are feeling guilt, write down what is associated with it. Sometimes guilt is a helpful emotion because it indicates that we did something that we are not proud of – but this doesn’t mean that we are bad. And sometimes guilt is misplaced – caused by pressure from society to be everything to everyone. Write down all of the angles of your situation.
• Then assess if you have been acting in a way that is congruent to your values. In Elaine’s case, I could see that she just needed a nudge to reorient herself, back to what she was happy doing – spending quality time with her kids. But when we start to try to live according to someone’s values, or to what we think should be our values, we don’t feel right – that’s because it’s not the right course for us.
• Write about the good times and the bad times. Check to see if there are patterns in your experiences. Perhaps interacting with a particular person always inspires guilt – then maybe it’s time to cut those ties. Likewise, when you find something that makes you feel great, whether it is cycling with the kids or enjoying a run by yourself, do those things more often too. A journal can really help you to pinpoint these trends.
The next week at work, I liked what I saw in my inbox tray. Elaine had made me a flyer and entitled it “Joe’s Amazing Music Class. Open to Avery and Mommy only. The Best Experience on Earth.” That trumps the purple elephant any day.
I was meeting Elaine at the coffee shop to discuss business, but as a coach and friend, I could tell that she first needed to talk on a personal level. She was stirring sugar into her coffee and I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears, and not from the espresso machine. When I asked her what was wrong, she pointed at a flyer tacked onto the notice board. It featured a purple elephant and advertised baby music classes.
I wasn’t sure what the purple elephant had done to warrant such anger, so I guided Elaine to a table for a chat and the story came spilling out. I found out that the moms in Elaine’s neighbourhood had been raving about the Purple Elephant music classes for babies. They were all encouraging Elaine to join them and told her how much the babies loved it, with smiles and giggles and great new experiences. Plus, it apparently set the stage for great success in music further down the line.
“But I can’t afford it. Since I’ve decided not to go back to work full-time, and instead spend more time with both kids, we have to make some sacrifices. Purple Elephant costs almost $25 a class! But we did it for Joe, our eldest – but we had more money back then. I feel like Baby Avery is missing out on everything.”
Ahh. I saw it clearly now – the tsunami of mommy guilt about to crash over Elaine, filling her with self-doubt. I knew that many moms find themselves torn – go back to work and feel guilty about not spending more time with the kids. Stay home and worry about not being able to afford all of the lessons and experiences that other kids are receiving. I knew that Elaine had been beating herself up about her decision – and the Purple Elephant was just the icing on the cake (organic, and peanut-free, of course).
“Elaine, is Avery happy? What does she like to do?”
“Oh, she is such a happy baby. She smiles and laughs all the time. Her favourite thing in the world is her 3-year-old brother. She gives big belly laughs whenever she sees him. And he loves her. He always plays with her, sings her the cutest songs, and tells her stories. The three of us have such a great time together – I feel like a kid too.”
I knew it was time for the eureka moment. “Elaine, what Avery has is something no Purple Elephant could ever offer. She has an older brother that provides the best type of stimulation for her. He’s a music, gym, story and play-time class all rolled into one! And both of them have the one thing that most kids want more than anything – more time with their parents, sans Blackberry. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You need to enjoy the time you have together.”
Sure enough, I saw the anger and sadness fade away from her face, to be replaced by one of my favourites – hope. Guilt is a nasty feeling, but there are ways to either combat it to make it work for you:
• The next time you are feeling guilt, write down what is associated with it. Sometimes guilt is a helpful emotion because it indicates that we did something that we are not proud of – but this doesn’t mean that we are bad. And sometimes guilt is misplaced – caused by pressure from society to be everything to everyone. Write down all of the angles of your situation.
• Then assess if you have been acting in a way that is congruent to your values. In Elaine’s case, I could see that she just needed a nudge to reorient herself, back to what she was happy doing – spending quality time with her kids. But when we start to try to live according to someone’s values, or to what we think should be our values, we don’t feel right – that’s because it’s not the right course for us.
• Write about the good times and the bad times. Check to see if there are patterns in your experiences. Perhaps interacting with a particular person always inspires guilt – then maybe it’s time to cut those ties. Likewise, when you find something that makes you feel great, whether it is cycling with the kids or enjoying a run by yourself, do those things more often too. A journal can really help you to pinpoint these trends.
The next week at work, I liked what I saw in my inbox tray. Elaine had made me a flyer and entitled it “Joe’s Amazing Music Class. Open to Avery and Mommy only. The Best Experience on Earth.” That trumps the purple elephant any day.
Moving In Without Breaking Up
I’m addicted. I’ll admit it. I crave the next instalment like I long for my morning java. And I’m not talking about Twilight, or soaps, or any of the other fascinating fixes. No, my latest obsession is the scintillating single life of my best friend’s twenty-something sister, Elle.
Well, single no-more. Elle and her beau are tying the knot – one day. First, though, they are combining households in an old Victorian in an up-and-coming neighbourhood.
We’re all three meeting for drinks and I can’t wait to hear how the cohabitation is going. As Elle joins us, she looks radiantly happy. I’m so pleased for my surrogate baby sister. But I want the deets. I’m interested to hear how Elle and Tom have handled the delicate dance of meshing designs. Elle is brash, bold and original. Last time I saw her apartment she had three high school lockers serving as her wardrobe. Fond of bright colours, she had a hot pink sofa and on-trend wallpaper. Tom, in comparison, could be a wallflower, favouring neutrals, wood, and leather couches. I was all ears as Elle gave us the update on how their two dissimilar styles were meeting and melding.
“I was so sad to give up my cool loft. Those lockers, my pendant lights, and all that colour! I went in spoiling for a fight. I was prepared to do battle over having at least some colour. And there was no way I was letting those leather couches come into my house – my living room is not an animal graveyard! But Tom surprised me. He had already placed his couches on craigslist He knew that we couldn’t just mix our possessions together. He wanted to have a good discussion – over lots of wine, I might add, about what we wanted and what was important to us. He didn’t want to feel like either of us was settling or losing something we really loved because we had chosen to live together. I was amazed! The fight fizzled right out of me and we had an amazingly productive conversation – the first of many concerning our new decor.”
I could tell that she spoke the truth. I know Elle, and I know that she can’t settle for having her values compromised. But she is also fair and willing to listen to new ideas. As I looked over the photos of their new place, I was struck by how perfect it seemed. I loved the design – everything seemed to fit just right. And I think that it reflected their relationship, one that was open and ready to mature.
I’ll admit that I was surprised that everything had gone so smoothly. Moving in with someone can be a stressful experience, especially when the couple in question have lived on their own for a while and have stamped their personality into their living space. I believe Tom’s mindset set the stage for success. He went into the experience believing that they would have a happy resolution. And because of his patience and beliefs, they were both able to hold onto what they valued most about their design personalities, while also holding onto each other.
When you find yourself in a negotiation, especially in your personal life, here are some points to help you be flexible while still maintaining your values:
1. Write down the things you are willing to compromise on, and those that are must-haves. Review your list to check if any of the must-haves are there because of stubbornness – make sure that each is a must-have because it relates to a value that you feel strongly about.
2. Script out how the ideal negotiation would go – and be realistic. It’s a negotiation, not getting your way all the time! Try to focus your attention and energy on ensuring that both parties’ values are not being compromised. Imagine how it feels for both of you to feel happy with the resolution.
3. Be prepared to listen and consider ideas from another. Really think about what might work for everyone involved. Again, writing down solutions can really help, especially by comparing them to your original list of values.
I know that Tom and Elle did not achieve design nirvana in the blink of an eye. There were many discussions and considerations, and give and take. I’m sure that they had to take a lot of deep breaths and filter a lot of their responses. But in the end, they are happy because their values are intact and so is their relationship. Does Elle still have lockers in her closet? No, but there is colour everywhere plus not a scrap of leather in their house. And I think I might know of a good home for Elle’s bright pink sofa...my daughter’s bedroom!
Well, single no-more. Elle and her beau are tying the knot – one day. First, though, they are combining households in an old Victorian in an up-and-coming neighbourhood.
We’re all three meeting for drinks and I can’t wait to hear how the cohabitation is going. As Elle joins us, she looks radiantly happy. I’m so pleased for my surrogate baby sister. But I want the deets. I’m interested to hear how Elle and Tom have handled the delicate dance of meshing designs. Elle is brash, bold and original. Last time I saw her apartment she had three high school lockers serving as her wardrobe. Fond of bright colours, she had a hot pink sofa and on-trend wallpaper. Tom, in comparison, could be a wallflower, favouring neutrals, wood, and leather couches. I was all ears as Elle gave us the update on how their two dissimilar styles were meeting and melding.
“I was so sad to give up my cool loft. Those lockers, my pendant lights, and all that colour! I went in spoiling for a fight. I was prepared to do battle over having at least some colour. And there was no way I was letting those leather couches come into my house – my living room is not an animal graveyard! But Tom surprised me. He had already placed his couches on craigslist He knew that we couldn’t just mix our possessions together. He wanted to have a good discussion – over lots of wine, I might add, about what we wanted and what was important to us. He didn’t want to feel like either of us was settling or losing something we really loved because we had chosen to live together. I was amazed! The fight fizzled right out of me and we had an amazingly productive conversation – the first of many concerning our new decor.”
I could tell that she spoke the truth. I know Elle, and I know that she can’t settle for having her values compromised. But she is also fair and willing to listen to new ideas. As I looked over the photos of their new place, I was struck by how perfect it seemed. I loved the design – everything seemed to fit just right. And I think that it reflected their relationship, one that was open and ready to mature.
I’ll admit that I was surprised that everything had gone so smoothly. Moving in with someone can be a stressful experience, especially when the couple in question have lived on their own for a while and have stamped their personality into their living space. I believe Tom’s mindset set the stage for success. He went into the experience believing that they would have a happy resolution. And because of his patience and beliefs, they were both able to hold onto what they valued most about their design personalities, while also holding onto each other.
When you find yourself in a negotiation, especially in your personal life, here are some points to help you be flexible while still maintaining your values:
1. Write down the things you are willing to compromise on, and those that are must-haves. Review your list to check if any of the must-haves are there because of stubbornness – make sure that each is a must-have because it relates to a value that you feel strongly about.
2. Script out how the ideal negotiation would go – and be realistic. It’s a negotiation, not getting your way all the time! Try to focus your attention and energy on ensuring that both parties’ values are not being compromised. Imagine how it feels for both of you to feel happy with the resolution.
3. Be prepared to listen and consider ideas from another. Really think about what might work for everyone involved. Again, writing down solutions can really help, especially by comparing them to your original list of values.
I know that Tom and Elle did not achieve design nirvana in the blink of an eye. There were many discussions and considerations, and give and take. I’m sure that they had to take a lot of deep breaths and filter a lot of their responses. But in the end, they are happy because their values are intact and so is their relationship. Does Elle still have lockers in her closet? No, but there is colour everywhere plus not a scrap of leather in their house. And I think I might know of a good home for Elle’s bright pink sofa...my daughter’s bedroom!
So You Think You Can....
I was watching one of my favourite indulgences on TV, “So You Think You Can Dance”. I thought the hard-hitting hip hop number was cool, but I really liked a contemporary piece with a nice song called “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri, and thought about downloading it from iTunes to add to my playlist.
Turns out I wasn’t the only one who liked it. 100,000 other viewers downloaded the song, making it a top 40 Billboard hit almost overnight. As we all watched the show two weeks later, we learned that the singer, a waitress in a local restaurant, had been catapulted to stardom following the show. She didn’t even have a CD, just the one single on iTunes and some YouTube videos of herself singing covers in her apartment. As I watched her perform live on the show, I thought of how much her life had changed in just two weeks.
I like this story because it shows what happens when you continue to do what you love, what energizes you and impassions you. I find that people who are truly happy with their jobs and careers don’t pursue their line of work for the money or fame or power. They tend to keep at it because their work fulfills a need inside of them that is in sync with their values and beliefs. And that type of fit provides the energy to continue pursuing a dream, hobby or line of work.
I wish more people loved their work, instead of being tied to jobs out of habit, necessity and even fear. Here are a few tips to get you closer to your dream job:
1. What do you love to do? It could be anything. Write down all the things that you like to do, from shopping to admiring luxury cars. My list might include getting my hair done, but it also features checking out trends and playing with words – activities that I get to indulge in often as a writer and blogger.
2. I love the feeling of being “in the zone”. It’s when everything seems to flow, time passes quickly and whatever you are doing just seems right. Being in the zone is often an indication that you are truly connected to what you are doing. Try to think of times when you have been in the zone and what you were doing. Where you researching new interior design ideas? Painting? Writing in a blog about electronics? Again, make it easier on yourself by writing this list down.
3. Take a look at your two lists. Do you see any similarities? Maybe you love to take photographs and find yourself energized after a great session. Look for connections and see if you can incorporate more of those activities into your everyday life. Try to open your mind to all of the possibilities. Maybe you could even switch jobs so that you are doing more of what you love for a living.
While watching Christina Perri perform, I could see that she had a vision. Her passion for music leapt off the TV at me. She didn’t quit. She worked hard as a waitress to allow herself to keep pursuing her dream. She worked hard at her music because it made her happy. She was true to herself, and because of her commitment to her values and beliefs, her wildest dreams have come true.
Turns out I wasn’t the only one who liked it. 100,000 other viewers downloaded the song, making it a top 40 Billboard hit almost overnight. As we all watched the show two weeks later, we learned that the singer, a waitress in a local restaurant, had been catapulted to stardom following the show. She didn’t even have a CD, just the one single on iTunes and some YouTube videos of herself singing covers in her apartment. As I watched her perform live on the show, I thought of how much her life had changed in just two weeks.
I like this story because it shows what happens when you continue to do what you love, what energizes you and impassions you. I find that people who are truly happy with their jobs and careers don’t pursue their line of work for the money or fame or power. They tend to keep at it because their work fulfills a need inside of them that is in sync with their values and beliefs. And that type of fit provides the energy to continue pursuing a dream, hobby or line of work.
I wish more people loved their work, instead of being tied to jobs out of habit, necessity and even fear. Here are a few tips to get you closer to your dream job:
1. What do you love to do? It could be anything. Write down all the things that you like to do, from shopping to admiring luxury cars. My list might include getting my hair done, but it also features checking out trends and playing with words – activities that I get to indulge in often as a writer and blogger.
2. I love the feeling of being “in the zone”. It’s when everything seems to flow, time passes quickly and whatever you are doing just seems right. Being in the zone is often an indication that you are truly connected to what you are doing. Try to think of times when you have been in the zone and what you were doing. Where you researching new interior design ideas? Painting? Writing in a blog about electronics? Again, make it easier on yourself by writing this list down.
3. Take a look at your two lists. Do you see any similarities? Maybe you love to take photographs and find yourself energized after a great session. Look for connections and see if you can incorporate more of those activities into your everyday life. Try to open your mind to all of the possibilities. Maybe you could even switch jobs so that you are doing more of what you love for a living.
While watching Christina Perri perform, I could see that she had a vision. Her passion for music leapt off the TV at me. She didn’t quit. She worked hard as a waitress to allow herself to keep pursuing her dream. She worked hard at her music because it made her happy. She was true to herself, and because of her commitment to her values and beliefs, her wildest dreams have come true.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The New Mom Physique
Losing the baby weight wasn’t hard. In fact, between three-hour walks and hastily gobbled cereal for lunch, most moms I know are 5-10 pounds lighter than our pre-pregnancy weight. But everything is a bit...redistributed. Stomach skin is still saggy, and let’s not even talk about the boobs. My son informed me that my bra was to hold my boobies on so that they didn’t fall off and roll away, and I think he is right. I’ve got a complete mismatch of developed arm muscles from carrying a baby on one side for seven months and the bucket seat on the other arm. My legs are strong from hauling laundry up two flights of stairs but marked by bruises from walking into furniture after late-night feedings and spider veins. It’s the new mom physique, and although you won’t see it on the cover of Sports Illustrated any time soon, we’ve earned every one of our battle scars.
Play that Funky Music
I have a new addiction. Right up there with coffee and chocolate, I can’t deny its siren call. It’s the Backyardigans – the soundtrack, to be precise. The other day my son was watching the Tikki beach episode and from upstairs I heard the catchy tune “Mystery Lifeguard” come on. Leaving the baby safely ensconced in the high chair, I flew downstairs and grabbed the remote to rewind to the beginning of the song, much to the surprise of my husband (my son is more accustomed to such random acts). I am reminded of my school-age self racing to record my favourite top 40hits from the radio on an old cassette player. But is the soundtrack of my life now includes cartoon music, I’ll take it. What kid show or tune are you hooked on?
Life’s Not Fair
My husband and I have had our share of "discussions" about the division of labour involved with raising kids. My strong desire to always have everything fair and just means that in an ideal world, we would add up all the hours spent working for a living and at home and split everything straight down the middle. But of course that can’t happen, and I am reminded of my “mad scientist” 7th grade teacher passionately declaring to us whiny 12-year-olds “Life’s NOT fair.” And so my hubby and I have negotiated a settlement that works for our family. He logs massive hours at work and commuting but benefits from a rewarding and challenging career, complete with adult conversation. I have been spit up and pooped on thousands of times and haven’t had an uninterrupted night’s sleep in four years, but I get the lion’s share of the hugs, cuddles, stories and giggles. So it is true – life is not fair. And I wouldn’t change it for anything.
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