I’m addicted. I’ll admit it. I crave the next instalment like I long for my morning java. And I’m not talking about Twilight, or soaps, or any of the other fascinating fixes. No, my latest obsession is the scintillating single life of my best friend’s twenty-something sister, Elle.
Well, single no-more. Elle and her beau are tying the knot – one day. First, though, they are combining households in an old Victorian in an up-and-coming neighbourhood.
We’re all three meeting for drinks and I can’t wait to hear how the cohabitation is going. As Elle joins us, she looks radiantly happy. I’m so pleased for my surrogate baby sister. But I want the deets. I’m interested to hear how Elle and Tom have handled the delicate dance of meshing designs. Elle is brash, bold and original. Last time I saw her apartment she had three high school lockers serving as her wardrobe. Fond of bright colours, she had a hot pink sofa and on-trend wallpaper. Tom, in comparison, could be a wallflower, favouring neutrals, wood, and leather couches. I was all ears as Elle gave us the update on how their two dissimilar styles were meeting and melding.
“I was so sad to give up my cool loft. Those lockers, my pendant lights, and all that colour! I went in spoiling for a fight. I was prepared to do battle over having at least some colour. And there was no way I was letting those leather couches come into my house – my living room is not an animal graveyard! But Tom surprised me. He had already placed his couches on craigslist He knew that we couldn’t just mix our possessions together. He wanted to have a good discussion – over lots of wine, I might add, about what we wanted and what was important to us. He didn’t want to feel like either of us was settling or losing something we really loved because we had chosen to live together. I was amazed! The fight fizzled right out of me and we had an amazingly productive conversation – the first of many concerning our new decor.”
I could tell that she spoke the truth. I know Elle, and I know that she can’t settle for having her values compromised. But she is also fair and willing to listen to new ideas. As I looked over the photos of their new place, I was struck by how perfect it seemed. I loved the design – everything seemed to fit just right. And I think that it reflected their relationship, one that was open and ready to mature.
I’ll admit that I was surprised that everything had gone so smoothly. Moving in with someone can be a stressful experience, especially when the couple in question have lived on their own for a while and have stamped their personality into their living space. I believe Tom’s mindset set the stage for success. He went into the experience believing that they would have a happy resolution. And because of his patience and beliefs, they were both able to hold onto what they valued most about their design personalities, while also holding onto each other.
When you find yourself in a negotiation, especially in your personal life, here are some points to help you be flexible while still maintaining your values:
1. Write down the things you are willing to compromise on, and those that are must-haves. Review your list to check if any of the must-haves are there because of stubbornness – make sure that each is a must-have because it relates to a value that you feel strongly about.
2. Script out how the ideal negotiation would go – and be realistic. It’s a negotiation, not getting your way all the time! Try to focus your attention and energy on ensuring that both parties’ values are not being compromised. Imagine how it feels for both of you to feel happy with the resolution.
3. Be prepared to listen and consider ideas from another. Really think about what might work for everyone involved. Again, writing down solutions can really help, especially by comparing them to your original list of values.
I know that Tom and Elle did not achieve design nirvana in the blink of an eye. There were many discussions and considerations, and give and take. I’m sure that they had to take a lot of deep breaths and filter a lot of their responses. But in the end, they are happy because their values are intact and so is their relationship. Does Elle still have lockers in her closet? No, but there is colour everywhere plus not a scrap of leather in their house. And I think I might know of a good home for Elle’s bright pink sofa...my daughter’s bedroom!
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