I never knew that a purple elephant could inspire such intense emotions.
I was meeting Elaine at the coffee shop to discuss business, but as a coach and friend, I could tell that she first needed to talk on a personal level. She was stirring sugar into her coffee and I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears, and not from the espresso machine. When I asked her what was wrong, she pointed at a flyer tacked onto the notice board. It featured a purple elephant and advertised baby music classes.
I wasn’t sure what the purple elephant had done to warrant such anger, so I guided Elaine to a table for a chat and the story came spilling out. I found out that the moms in Elaine’s neighbourhood had been raving about the Purple Elephant music classes for babies. They were all encouraging Elaine to join them and told her how much the babies loved it, with smiles and giggles and great new experiences. Plus, it apparently set the stage for great success in music further down the line.
“But I can’t afford it. Since I’ve decided not to go back to work full-time, and instead spend more time with both kids, we have to make some sacrifices. Purple Elephant costs almost $25 a class! But we did it for Joe, our eldest – but we had more money back then. I feel like Baby Avery is missing out on everything.”
Ahh. I saw it clearly now – the tsunami of mommy guilt about to crash over Elaine, filling her with self-doubt. I knew that many moms find themselves torn – go back to work and feel guilty about not spending more time with the kids. Stay home and worry about not being able to afford all of the lessons and experiences that other kids are receiving. I knew that Elaine had been beating herself up about her decision – and the Purple Elephant was just the icing on the cake (organic, and peanut-free, of course).
“Elaine, is Avery happy? What does she like to do?”
“Oh, she is such a happy baby. She smiles and laughs all the time. Her favourite thing in the world is her 3-year-old brother. She gives big belly laughs whenever she sees him. And he loves her. He always plays with her, sings her the cutest songs, and tells her stories. The three of us have such a great time together – I feel like a kid too.”
I knew it was time for the eureka moment. “Elaine, what Avery has is something no Purple Elephant could ever offer. She has an older brother that provides the best type of stimulation for her. He’s a music, gym, story and play-time class all rolled into one! And both of them have the one thing that most kids want more than anything – more time with their parents, sans Blackberry. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You need to enjoy the time you have together.”
Sure enough, I saw the anger and sadness fade away from her face, to be replaced by one of my favourites – hope. Guilt is a nasty feeling, but there are ways to either combat it to make it work for you:
• The next time you are feeling guilt, write down what is associated with it. Sometimes guilt is a helpful emotion because it indicates that we did something that we are not proud of – but this doesn’t mean that we are bad. And sometimes guilt is misplaced – caused by pressure from society to be everything to everyone. Write down all of the angles of your situation.
• Then assess if you have been acting in a way that is congruent to your values. In Elaine’s case, I could see that she just needed a nudge to reorient herself, back to what she was happy doing – spending quality time with her kids. But when we start to try to live according to someone’s values, or to what we think should be our values, we don’t feel right – that’s because it’s not the right course for us.
• Write about the good times and the bad times. Check to see if there are patterns in your experiences. Perhaps interacting with a particular person always inspires guilt – then maybe it’s time to cut those ties. Likewise, when you find something that makes you feel great, whether it is cycling with the kids or enjoying a run by yourself, do those things more often too. A journal can really help you to pinpoint these trends.
The next week at work, I liked what I saw in my inbox tray. Elaine had made me a flyer and entitled it “Joe’s Amazing Music Class. Open to Avery and Mommy only. The Best Experience on Earth.” That trumps the purple elephant any day.
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